Nonviolent Communication and Conflict Management

This past week I did engage in conflict with my oldest daughter. The context involved her speeding in the car while taking me home from dropping my car off at an auto mechanic shop. My attempt to get her to slow down was unsuccessful due to her perceiving me as trying to control her. My perspective was you are driving without a driver’s license and if you are stopped by the police, the outcome could be very serious.  As the conversation escalated, I told my daughter that my goal was not to control her, but to point out the risk she was taking by going 47 miles per hour in a 30 mph/ speed zone. My daughter’s response was that it is late at night, and I want to get home. She also added that she has been driving like this and she has not been stopped, and that she was not going to be stopped by the police. This statement infuriated me because I perceived it as childish. Although I did not tell her she was acting childish, I did tell her that she needed to change her attitude. There I go again right? Telling someone what they should or should not do. 

In light of what I have learned about strategies that I could have applied at the time, I could have removed myself from the situation by assuming an out of body experience position (smile). This is my own interpretation of what “The third side” (n.d.) refers to as “going to the balcony”. Using this strategy involves stopping, looking, and listening for the purpose of gaining a third perspective.

By stopping I allow myself to think before I speak, by looking I allow myself to look within and identify my emotions, and by listening, I allow myself time to get in touch with what I am feeling to avoid acting them out. Also from the 3S (n.d.) case studies section, “What they don’t tell you in school; an inner resistance to violence”, I read something profound, that during World War II the U.S. army discovered that trained riflemen could not pull the trigger when they were able to see the person they were about to shoot. Immediately I got a revelation, that if we can truly see the person we are in conflict with, we are more likely to use strategies with emphasis on the issue rather than strategies that attack the person (Third side, n.d.).  

Additionally according to O’Hair & Weimann (2009) although there are many strategies people use to manage conflict, most generally fall into three categories, escapist, challenging, and cooperative. Based on the nature of these three strategies, I perceive that the cooperative strategy would have best suited the conflict I had with my daughter because both of us value our relationship. If I had applied the cooperative strategy, I would have taken the time to probe more (which is another strategy used to get more information) in order to get a better understanding as to why she was in such a rush. 

I followed up with my daughter about our conflict, and applied these strategies. What I learned was that she was tired from running around all day handling some personal affairs, and when I called she had not been home long, and she was trying to feed the kids and get them in the bath tub ready for bed. This gave me a deeper understanding to what was driving her behavior. When I shared with her that my concern was about the risk, she admitted that she automatically goes on the defense because of our conflicts in the past. When I asked her about the issue of feeling that I want to control her, she stated that she has always been like that  since she got out on her own at a young age (Stephanie Byrd, personal communication, March, 31, 2012). When I asked her how we could start over, she admitted that she knows she is a difficult person to deal with and that she is working on it. Moving forward, I agreed that I would steer away from saying “you should/ you shouldn’t” statements. The future will be interesting. 

References

O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
Stephanie Byrd, personal communication, March 31, 2011

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

Who am I as a Communicator?

For your blog this week, think about the similarities and differences between how you evaluated yourself as a communicator and how others evaluated you. What is the one thing that surprised you the most? Why? What other insights about communication did you gain this week? Choose at least two to share with others through your blog and consider how each might inform your professional work and personal life.

To complete this assignment I had both of my daughters and my baby sister to complete the assessments. My two daughters are 27 and 29 years old and my youngest sister is 48 years old. The results of the assessments are as follows; for the Listening Styles Profiles, all three assessors including myself placed me in Group 1 which is the people oriented category, for the Communication Anxiety assessment, my score range was between 33 – 34, very comfortable communicating in public settings and with unfamiliar people, and for the Verbal Aggressiveness Scale, my score consistently fell in the Moderate range with a score of 63 from my oldest daughter and my sister and a 67 from myself. But, surprisingly, the score I received from my youngest daughter was a 76! This placed me in the significant category, indicating that I have the potential to move from the position of attacking a person’s disposition to attacking them personally which can be hurtful to the listener. 

Since we were on the phone together while my youngest daughter completed the assessments, this of course prompted a discussion as I was naturally curious as to why her score was so different from the others that were so consistent. Long story short, my daughter brought up a conversation we had regarding a disagreement we had several months back. To make a long story short, I discovered that my high rating of verbal aggressiveness was not due to swearing or delivering direct insults to my daughter, but she experienced hurt feelings because I told her that she should not feel the way she did. She also pointed out that when we did not see eye to eye, my changing the subject was insulting as well because she perceived that as saying that what she had to say was not valid. Other words that I used included telling her that the mature thing to do is this…. And you have to forgive….and you should …..  

During this conversation, I expressed to her that the hurt I caused her was not intentional. This reminded me of the information I learned about microaggressions in my last class, that unintentional subtle messages can be hurtful to others.  

So moving forward, I shared with my daughter that because we are so close, I will always tell her the truth. Since we are both Christians, the foundation for our truth stems from the Bible, so I asked my daughter how she felt about me replacing the “you should/ shouldn’t” with have you considered? My daughter’s response was very positive and she agreed that this approach would be better because it does not attack her perspectives. 

I found this to be very interesting and conclude that the way in which we communicate with others is influenced by who we are, our personal experiences, where we are, and what is going on. O’Hair & Weimann (2009) refer to this as context. Also just as my schemas were at work during this conversation, so were my daughter’s. O’Hair & Weimann (2009), states that schemas consist of gathering new information and processing it in relation to prior experiences which impacts how we perceive and communicate with others.

Ways in which I can apply the assessment results to my professional career is to improve in the area of verbal aggressiveness by being careful not to use subtle words that could be offensive and by allowing people to have their opinions even when I may not agree. Also, although my anxiety level for speaking in public and with unfamiliar people is low, I must not become overconfident to the point of being slack in not being prepared (O' Hair & Weimann, 2009). Lastly, While having a people oriented listening style is great for building relationships with children, families and co workers, I must not allow this to impair my ability to make good judgements about people.While I do not see myself as a trusting person lacking judgement, this was true about me ten years ago. However,several experiences that have been added to my schema has changed that big time.

Seems my personal schemas have impacted this area causing me to be more cautious of people.

 

Communication and Culture

To answer the question do I interact differently with different groups of people, my answer of course is yes. Several groups I identify as having ongoing communication with are, preschool and school age children, parents at the child care center I work at, co-workers at my job, and my family members. Three strategies that could work with these groups are, adapting and asking questions (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011) and masking (O’ Hair & Weimann, 2009). 

Adapting is changing ones behavior to accommodate for differences and expectations (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011). 

Asking questions is the process of digging deeper for accurate information as opposed to relying on generalizations about a particular group of people (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011). Methods for gathering information include asking the person directly, researching the person’s culture, and possibly learning the person’s language. More importantly, there must be an exchange of information in order for a relationship to develop (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011).  

Masking is a strategy that goes a long way when working with various groups of people. Sometimes it is not wise to show our real feelings. Masking is controlling facial expressions to avoid showing ones true feelings to avoid offending someone. 

When working with three year old preschool children I speak to them at child eye level to ensure that my message is received. I also use words that children understand and when new words emerge I take the time to explain their definitions in a context that the children can understand. Facial expressions and eye behavior are used to communicate with this group as well, (e.g.) smiling and giving the “look” a non-verbal cue used to address inappropriate behavior. According to O’ Hair & Weimann, (2009) one of the functions of eye contact is to influence attitude change. Voice tone varies ranging from light and happy to soft and empathetic, and sometimes firm. Other interactions include “informing”, the use of language to send and receive messages and asking questions (O’ Hair & Weimann 2009, p. 76). Additionally when interacting with children, I modify my behavior in anticipation of events. Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond (2011) refer to this as “adapt predictively” (p. 112). 

When communicating with parents, I am careful to use correct grammar, smile, and make eye contact. Also a strategy to consider in regards to communicating with parents is the gender of the parent. According to Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond (2011) men communicate to accomplish something, while women’s communication is relational. I find that female parents are more inclined to exchanging information and visiting the classroom than the male parents are.  Another strategy I use with parents a lot is “masking” controlling my facial expressions to prevent revealing my true feelings (O’Hair & Weimann, 2009, p. 110). As a professional, it is important that I remain positive in negative situations (e.g.) dealing with a child who has serious behavior difficulties. 

When communicating with co-workers, I adjust my interactions with them based on their behavior. Sometimes I am with a loud co-worker who likes to laugh and so I get loud with her and I say funny things to make her laugh. Other co-workers who are quiet, I tone my verbal cues down. I also find that even with co-workers I must control my facial expressions (e.g.) when in staff meetings, although I may not agree with something that is said, masking my true feelings can prevent discord, and negativity. 

When communicating with my two adult daughters, context is a determining factor. One daughter has a history of making bad decisions and has gotten herself in a bad spot. I realize that telling her what she should do is not a good strategy at all. The strategy that could help improve our communication could be for me to ask her questions in regards to how she would like for me to address issues that need to be addressed with her. The other daughter is the total opposite, yet I find myself adapting to her as well. One way I adapt to daughter # 2 is by assuming the listening mode as she sometimes holds the entire conversation. She also gets offended if she thinks I am not paying attention.

When communicating with my aunts (in their late 60’s and early 70’s) my communication with them is a little more formal. Since both of them are college graduates, I use correct grammar. 

When communicating with my parents, I am respectful of their choices for how they run their lives. This has not always been the case. Because my mother is a true hoarder, years ago we often had arguments about her house. But since I have come to accept my mother the way she is and because I am no longer trying to run her life, our relationship is great. As stated by Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond’s (2011) older people do not like to be talked to in a condescending manner. This is also an example of being mindful, a strategy for accepting others who are different from us (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond’s 2011).

References

Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2011). Interpersonal communication: Relating to others (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Language, Nonverbal, Listening

Since I did not have a recorder, I decided to rent a movie that I had never seen before titled Diary of a single mom (Townsend, 2009). Also to rely strictly on non verbal cues, I resisted reading the description of the movie. In the opening scene the setting appeared to be in a warm sunny city near a beach with lots of palm trees.  The first characters to be introduced in this movie were a woman, a boy about 10 years old, and a young girl about 6 years old, all African American. The three emerged from a cab and stood facing a two story stucco building holding hands. The woman is not wearing make up, her face looks weary, she is casually dressed wearing a pair of slightly wrinkled jeans, a long sleeve button down shirt that is open exposing a tee shirt, and tennis shoes. The children are casually dressed and neat in appearance. While looking up at the building, the woman smiled. Next she turned towards the boy and girl, smiled and gazed at them. The children reciprocated the same. The scene then switches to where they are inside standing behind a heavy set Caucasian man, wearing a floral print shirt and a summery short brim straw hat with a band around it. He is unlocking a door with some keys and talking. They enter in. The woman enters with arms folded and looks around. The man continued to talk while extending his arms as if he was showing the place to the woman. The woman  looks around the room, smiles and then unfolds her arms. Next she motions her arms and hands to tell the children to go. The children run throughout the house and return smiling. While the boy says something, his hands are moving up and out. His eyes are wide opened with a big smile on his face, and his mouth movements are big.

The non-verbal cues I observed in this opening scene included several of what O’Hair & Weimann (2009) refer to as codes of non verbal communication, namely gestures and body movements, facial expressions, eye behavior, and physical appearance.  It appears that there is a connection between the woman, boy and girl because they are holding hands as they approach the building. The gaze that the woman gave the boy along with the smile was warm and conveyed a feeling of love. O’Hair & Weimann refer to this as “affect displays”, one of the five body movements categories (p. 109). Additionally was the gesture of touch. O’Hair & Weimann refer to the study of touch as “haptics”. The holding of hands in addition to the warm smile and gaze, communicated that the relationship between these three people was intimate. Of the several types of touch these people conveyed the Love-Intimacy touch. Because of the love that was conveyed I presumed that the woman, boy and girl were a family, perhaps starting a new life in a new apartment.  Because of the way the woman is dressed and the condition of the apartment, I perceived that this family's financial resources are limited.

After the man unlocked the door and they entered the apartment, the nonverbal cues I observed between the woman and the man included facial expressions and eye movements. While talking to the woman, the man raised his eye brow on two occasions while removing his glasses. The woman kept her distance and her arms were folded a lot. For example, the folded arms of the woman conveyed the feeling of being in a new environment, not knowing what to expect. But after looking around, the woman unfolded her arms conveying that she was now feeling at ease. The boys wide opened eyes (facial expression p. 110),  wide hand movements, and wide mouth while speaking communicated to me that the boy was talking about something big, that he was excited, and pleased or happy about the space.  

So to summarize what I perceived relying solely on non-verbal cues, I presumed that this movie was about a low income family starting a new life in a new apartment. I perceived that the man was either the owner or manager of the building and that his role was to show the woman the apartment. 

After viewing the movie again with sound, my presumptions were right, the woman was the mother to the two children and they were moving into the new apartment. And I was right about the man’s role, he was the owner. I was also right about the boy being happy and pleased with the new place. And the big arm movements reflected his words expressing that he estimated the new place to be 274 sq. ft larger than their previous place. This was another example of illustrating. But, due to adding sound, I learned that the woman’s name was Ocean and that she had been hired to be the on site manager/ repair person for the building. I also learned that the man was coming on to the Ocean.  He made comments about how good her kids looked and stated that she looked good too. Then when he talked about her responsibility to make light repairs, he mentioned that he needed to be repaired too.

If I had already been acquainted with the characters in this movie, there is the probability that I would have known that the mother was moving and that she was looking for a job. Also if there was a conversation going on between Ocean and the owner, I would presume he was making a pass at her. However,  in my opinion, being familiar with people and situations is still not cause to make presumptions. 

My “aha” moment in response to what I learned is that visual cues do not provide enough information to have all the facts. And so as an early childhood professional, if I am going to be an effective communicator, for accuracy I must incorporate both verbal and non verbal forms of communication in order to get the full picture.

References

Robert Townsend. (Producer). (2009). Diary of a single mom [Motion Picture]. [Written by Robert Townsend]. Image Entertainment. 

O’Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s

What is Communication?

The person that comes to my mind that is an effective communicator is my pastor. What makes him so effective is that he does a really good job of presenting the context for the text in his introduction by painting a picture of what was happening at the time. Sometimes he provides the Greek and or Hebrew translations of a word. Although a word in the text may be simple,  this knowledge gives me a deeper understanding. I also like how he makes the text applicable to today by using similes and telling modern day parables. He often uses famous quotes, inspirational short stories, and other means to support his message, modulates his voice at the right time, and incorporates humor.

From my pastor I would adopt most of these techniques because he articulates well, is not boring,  is prepared, knowledgeable, knows how to create imagery and the information is well organized.