This past week I did engage in conflict with my oldest daughter. The context involved her speeding in the car while taking me home from dropping my car off at an auto mechanic shop. My attempt to get her to slow down was unsuccessful due to her perceiving me as trying to control her. My perspective was you are driving without a driver’s license and if you are stopped by the police, the outcome could be very serious. As the conversation escalated, I told my daughter that my goal was not to control her, but to point out the risk she was taking by going 47 miles per hour in a 30 mph/ speed zone. My daughter’s response was that it is late at night, and I want to get home. She also added that she has been driving like this and she has not been stopped, and that she was not going to be stopped by the police. This statement infuriated me because I perceived it as childish. Although I did not tell her she was acting childish, I did tell her that she needed to change her attitude. There I go again right? Telling someone what they should or should not do.
In light of what I have learned about strategies that I could have applied at the time, I could have removed myself from the situation by assuming an out of body experience position (smile). This is my own interpretation of what “The third side” (n.d.) refers to as “going to the balcony”. Using this strategy involves stopping, looking, and listening for the purpose of gaining a third perspective.
By stopping I allow myself to think before I speak, by looking I allow myself to look within and identify my emotions, and by listening, I allow myself time to get in touch with what I am feeling to avoid acting them out. Also from the 3S (n.d.) case studies section, “What they don’t tell you in school; an inner resistance to violence”, I read something profound, that during World War II the U.S. army discovered that trained riflemen could not pull the trigger when they were able to see the person they were about to shoot. Immediately I got a revelation, that if we can truly see the person we are in conflict with, we are more likely to use strategies with emphasis on the issue rather than strategies that attack the person (Third side, n.d.).
Additionally according to O’Hair & Weimann (2009) although there are many strategies people use to manage conflict, most generally fall into three categories, escapist, challenging, and cooperative. Based on the nature of these three strategies, I perceive that the cooperative strategy would have best suited the conflict I had with my daughter because both of us value our relationship. If I had applied the cooperative strategy, I would have taken the time to probe more (which is another strategy used to get more information) in order to get a better understanding as to why she was in such a rush.
I followed up with my daughter about our conflict, and applied these strategies. What I learned was that she was tired from running around all day handling some personal affairs, and when I called she had not been home long, and she was trying to feed the kids and get them in the bath tub ready for bed. This gave me a deeper understanding to what was driving her behavior. When I shared with her that my concern was about the risk, she admitted that she automatically goes on the defense because of our conflicts in the past. When I asked her about the issue of feeling that I want to control her, she stated that she has always been like that since she got out on her own at a young age (Stephanie Byrd, personal communication, March, 31, 2012). When I asked her how we could start over, she admitted that she knows she is a difficult person to deal with and that she is working on it. Moving forward, I agreed that I would steer away from saying “you should/ you shouldn’t” statements. The future will be interesting.
References
O’Hair, D. & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
Stephanie Byrd, personal communication, March 31, 2011
The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/Stephanie Byrd, personal communication, March 31, 2011
Thank you so much for sharing this personal example. As an expectant mother I know there will be many times of conflict to come. You made a very good point. Although we know all of these strategies it is still very hard to be intentional in using them when we are in the heat of the moment. I love how you went back to her after the conflict and used the strategies your learned. You were able to gain her perspective and see where she was coming from that led to her being defensive. Thank you for reminding me that we never really know why someone responds to something the way they do! Wonderful post - Amy
ReplyDeleteCheryl,
DeleteI applaud your efforts. I know that it is difficult NOT to tell our children what they should or should not do, especially when potential consequences of safety are at risk. Nevertheless, your efforts to implement NVC are valiant :) My thoughts and prayers are for your safety while in the car with your daughter (lol) as well as continued improvement in your communications. Keep up the wonderful work!
CCWhite
Cheryl:
ReplyDeleteI had posted a comment last night. But, now in checking other people's comments, I see mine is not there. So, I am going to re-post a comment.
Thank you for sharing your experience with your daughter. I am impressed by the step you took to go back and talk with her about the interaction. Revisiting the issue after emotions have subsided and probing to get a better understanding of what she was experiencing looks as if it helped you both to resolve the conflict and gain a new connection within your relationship.
LouAnn
Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteI certainly appreciate your personal account of a conflict. My mother and I clashed for years. My father said it was because we were so much alike. It took us many years to get into a place where we can tell each other exactly how we feel in a calm way and work through differences. She wanted to be very much involved in my life and I am a very private person. I felt like she was invading my privacy and she felt like I was purposely keeping her out of it. Fortunately, as I matured and had a daughter of my own I realized that it was important for us to model a good relationship for my daughter. That is when we began to talk things through without getting defensive or feeling as if we were being attacked by each other. The conversation you had with your daughter is one that my mother an I finally had when I was pregnant. She told me it hurt her feelings when I shut her out. Once I understood how she was feeling, it helped me to understand how I was feeling and then the flood gates opened. We've had a better relationship ever since. So, actively listening, telling each other how we really feel, and respecting each other's feelings have been the strategies used to get us through conflicts. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I know that I'm not perfect however, she should not have been driving anyway, especially if she has no license, suspended or not she could have went to jail, trust me I know. If anything we have to weigh our options.
ReplyDelete